Living with Dementia

 I love my wife very much, and we have had a great life together, married for 35 years, been together for 37. we have done so much in that time, we both worked hard in our younger days, we were in our 40s when we met, and within weeks we had set up home together, I agreeing to pay half the bills, which worked out very well, I would give Maureen my pay packet apart from a small amount I needed for my own needs, what I did not know was that Maureen was putting the money away under the spare blankets in my wardrobe. We had some holiday due and arranged to have the same week off, so decided to go on a camping holiday, I bought a tent plus cooking equipment and sleeping bags, we loaded up the mini and headed off, we had a great time and enjoyed it so much I bought a bigger tent with a bedroom area plus a proper kitchen unit. Then we went bigger, we bought a trailer tent, and had a few holidays with that, but Maureen said she would like a proper holiday, a hotel, no washing up, just lazing around in the sunshine. It was at this time I decided to sort out my wardrobe and found the money that was there, well over £300 so I agreed to take the wife to Malta for a week, she loved it, we went back 14 times over the years, plus Spain and Cyprus. Then came the big fall, I was made redundant at Christmas, 6 months before retirement, and to be honest we were in a deep hole, I was given pension credit of £14 a week but had to wait for 13 weeks to get it. We fell behind with all our bills and life was looking bleak.

We did get through it and came out the other end more or less unscathed, we did lose the flat, but a guy came along and bought it permitting us to live in it for a nominal rent that as he said would never go up, so life carried on as more or less normal, then someone moved into the flat next door, and all hell broke loose, she did not care about other people, she loved her music and decided to play it all day and all night as loud as she could. Two lounges with a brick wall between them, and when I tried to ask her to turn it down, I was told to F off, when I complained to the real owners of the flats, they told me that this woman was under the control of the council and could not be removed so I had to put up with it.

Christmas day is also Maureen's birthday, and I like to give her both Christmas and birthday presents and cards as well, plus she has cards from her family, I do a nice Christmas dinner and we enjoy a glass of wine and pull a couple of crackers sat around the table, but not this year, the wall was almost bouncing with the music, we ended up in the bedroom having dinner on a couple of trays, and as far as watching TV, that was impossible, watch yes, listen, no.

Then we had covid, which made things even worse, we were stuck at home, our local Coop hade no food to speak of, no milk, no bread and when I got a little up tight I was ordered out of the shop being told I should stay at home because of the covid. So I did saying that I would never step inside the Coop as long as that manager remained, and for the record I never set foot inside our local Coop for 3 years.

So whilst we were stuck at home, no food, drinking water and eating what was in the freezer, I had a call from my sister asking if we were ok, she knew about the loud music and tried to help but the flat owners refused to budge, and when i told her about the Coop she blue her top, right she said, give me a shopping list, I did, £40 worth, and she rang back an hour later saying, you will get an Iceland delivery today. That night at around 6 there was a knock at the door and on the step outside the door were 4 carrier bags of food, milk, bread, tins of carrots, tins of peas, baked beans and a whole lot more. I rang my sister and said thank you, she told me that we were now on Iceland's books and we could make an order every week and pay for it by card, and we did, we lived with the help of Iceland all through covid and will be internally grateful to them. As for the girl next door, she did not care about covid, she had parties, she went out drinking, even had a load of kids for the weekend, and the music, never ending, we spent another Christmas day in the bedroom, in fact looking back, we spent more time in the bedroom doing puzzle books than we did in the lounge trying to watch TV, I think over the full three years of covid we watched TV for about a month.

Once covid was over and we were able to get out we started to get back into the old routine, coffee at the coffee shop at the village hall, film night, and the monthly council meetings and going into town to shop. it was at this time I began to notice a change in Maureen, she was becoming forgetful, she was falling asleep during the day, she was only eating small amounts and was getting thinner. I myself am a diabetic, so see my diabetic nurse on a regular basis, so when talking to her I told her about Maureen, she spoke to the doctor and we arranged for her to see him, he gave her the dementia test, and she failed big time, in fact she was looking to me to help her with the answers, we then arranged a full test via video link, I sat in and watched and listened to what was said, and once again Maureen failed big time. So she went for a scan, big mistake, she was under the impression that they were going to slice into her brain, it took myself and a nurse over half an hour to get her to lay on the bed of the machine, when she eventually did so and was placed in the scanner I could see she was not happy, but they did the scan and a few days later we got the results, not good at all, but I accepted them knowing what I had seen, Maureen did not, she feels that she is perfectly ok. Anyway, after the results it was decided to put her on medication, one tablet a day which I would give her, we started on a Wednesday, by Thursday she said she did not feel good, but she kept taking the tablets, by Saturday she said she was in pain, but I told her this was side effects and would soon pass. Sunday morning I got up to get breakfast, when I went into the bedroom Maureen was sat on the end of the end of the bed, as soon as she saw me she lashed out, I grabbed her hands and asked her to calm down, she spat four letter words at me some of which I did not know existed, and I was in the Royal Navy for 18 years, I walked out of the bedroom in the hope she would calm down. She did not, she demanded I take her out in the car, as we sat there me driving, all i could see was this huge black cloud sitting over her head, she did not speak, just sat there with all this anger inside of her. By the time we had arrived at Minehead, the black cloud had gone, we parked on the sea front and I bought us a couple of cups of tea, it was then that she started to speak and apologise, she did not realise what she was doing, but I realised that with so much anger inside of her, if she had had a knife, or a baseball bat, she could have killed me.

We took Maureen off the tablets telling the medical staff that I wanted Maureen to accept her situation and just get on with her life and they I am happy to say agreed with me. How is Maureen now, well I did get her a dog, I was told that dogs help with dementia cases, and she does the feeding and to be honest they get on well together, I do the walking as Cassie is a little too strong for Maureen to handle, but around the flat and in the car they are great together, in fact Maureen talks to the dog more than me, but I don't mind that, if we are in the car going to meet the family, if she is talking to Cassie, i can get on with driving the car.

I did apply for the carers allowance and it was granted, what I have not sorted was Power of Attorney,  I took one look at it, and its like a book, asking questions that even I would not be able to answer honestly, seems that these government departments want to know your life story and your family before giving you what you need, there is always someone in an office saying we need more information about this couple, I say all you need to understand, is that dementia is a killer, and I know that if I go first, she will be on her own, if she goes first, I will cope, but I also realise, that one day, she will wake up and ask who the hell are you and what are you doing in my bed. She has photos of her family all over the flat, and still thinks the picture of her daughter is her, and if she sees a photo of me, she has to think about it, so I know it is coming and it hurts to know that the woman I married 35 years ago is slowly forgetting everything, even asking her what she wants for dinner is a case of put it on my plate I will eat it, and as for breakfast, she will say Ill have the usual, or like this morning, can I have the you know, on toast, and i say egg, yes she says, egg on toast, i like that.

I did take her to the doctors about her weight loss and he gave her the once over, she is skin and bone and once she was dressed he asked her to wait in the waiting room which she did, he spoke to me saying try and make her eat more if you can Mike, but like I told him, she only eats what she wants to eat, and if I put an extra spoonful on her plate she will leave that saying I have had enough.

We did have a good laugh last week, as i say I am a diabetic and use a pad on my arm and a monitor to check blood sugar levels. I was watching You Tube and saw an ad for a watch that does blood sugar levels so sent away for it. A few days later I was told the package was on its way, and sure enough, in my mail box was the said package except it felt very light, anyway I opened it to find inside two small spray cans of stuff to keep you erect while having sex, up to ten hours, well I am 81, and the wife and I have not had that sort of relations in over 15 years, she said come on love we did try to do it a year or so ago and it did not work then, what will a ten hour spray do. We sat about giggling for a long time, still no watch, so I assume this is another scam and I wont get a watch or my money back. Seems this world is out to scam anyone and everyone. its getting so bad, I wont let Maureen have a smart phone, just in case she gets the sort of calls I get on a regular basis, as luck would have it I do have a smart phone that can recognise scam calls and lets me know, so I don't answer them, just block the number and jet rid of it.